Bryan Garner is my hero.
I have a grim confession to make: I am addicted to reading reference books. For fun.
I am ready to come out as a guilt-ridden reference-book reader now, finally, because I’ve finally found a reference book that is undeniably cool (well, at least I think its coolness is undeniable): Garner’s Modern American Usage.
Before I found Garner, the reference books I recreationally used most often were fairly drab — mostly piano literature texts, to be honest. I am sorry to say that I know Maurice Hinson’s Guide to the Pianist’s Repertoire far too well. I’ve read about pieces I have utterly no interest in three or four times now. For example, did you know that Artur Schnabel’s “Piece in Seven Movements” (yes, that Arthur Schnabel — he composed a bit, and his music’s remained mercifully obscure) is “a lengthy, involved work reflecting the influence of Schoenberg”? That it “requires the most advanced pianism and mature musicianship”? I do, alas. I used to try to justify my endless re-reading of Hinson by telling myself that I’ll seem amazingly smart one day when someone mentions the Schnabel “Piece in Seven Movements” casually in conversation; or when someone brings up Akira Miyoshi’s “Chaines” and I recite on command, “Flexible tempos, motivic development, harmonic richness, well-planned formal scheme, emotional appeal.” That, by the way, is a direct quote from Hinson — a representative passage, unfortunately. Hinson’s just not a good writer. ”Flexible tempos” tells us something, at least; the rest of the sentence is more or less drivel. Not to mention the redundancy of the phrase “well-planned formal scheme” — schemes imply planning, I think. Sigh — I wasted too much time reading such silliness. And I’m still waiting for someone, anyone, to bring up Miyoshi at a cocktail party. Not happening.
But I am proud to self-identify as a Garner devotee! First of all, he is very funny. Take, for instance, this sentence from his entry on naiveté: “*Naiveness is an artless anglicization created by simple, unaffected people deficient in worldly wisdom and informed judgment.” Delightful! His trenchant and insightful critical mind shows its stuff in the most unexpected places; for example, I’d never have dreamed that a reference-book entry on the word “only” could be this entertaining:
A paltering ‘only’ sometimes reflects doublespeak. Consider the signs that, beginning in the mid-1990s, appeared at American Airlines gates throughout the United States: ‘Beverages only in main cabin.’ The airline is saying that while first-class passengers will get both meals and drinks, coach-class passengers will get only drinks. If the sign read ‘Meals only in first class,’ the syntax would work pretty well, but the majority of passengers (in coach) would be miffed. If it said ‘No meals in coach class,’ the sense of upset would only intensify. If it said ‘Only beverages in coach class,’ the sense would be right — but once again the coach passengers might feel as if they were being shorted. So the sign-writers changed ‘coach class’ to ‘main cabin’ (a kind of euphemism) and then worded the sign as if it were an honor being bestowed: ‘Prizes only for the winners.’ ’Jackpots only for the lucky few.’ ’Beverages only in main cabin.’ It sounds as if everyone else on board must do without: no drinks for those in the cockpit or in first class. But of course that isn’t so. First-class passengers don’t complain about the sign because they know they’ll be fed and get all the drinks they reasonably want. Coach passengers don’t complain because they don’t think through what the sign really means.
I thought it worthwhile to quote the whole passage to demonstrate that Garner’s Modern American Usage is more than a reference book . Everywhere you turn you find observations worthy of the best essayist and witticisms worthy of the finest humorist — and, naturally, very good prose.
Consider the Lobster contains David Foster Wallace’s rave review of the first edition. The piece is called “Authority and American Usage,” and in it DFW explains his own position (as well as Garner’s) in the so-called “usage wars.” The conflict — as described by Garner, too, in an introductory essay called “Making Peace in the Language Wars” — is between prescriptivists and descriptivists: the former make a business of telling people how to use the language; the latter seek only to describe how it’s used in myriad ways out in the world. Both can be caricatured very easily — the prescriptivist is prudish, tweedy, conservative, insufferable; the descriptivist is an aging hippie, a “cool” academic, liberal. Both factions clearly need makeovers, and Garner and DFW present themselves as model revamped prescriptivists: thoughtful and diplomatic; the sorts of people who take pleasure in language for its own sake; not conservative in the thoroughly misleading contemporary political sense, but in a deeper sense that has more to do with temperament and sensibility.
Garner’s conservatism is most apparent in one of the guide’s signature features, the “Language-Change Index.” This feature typifies his approach, which he characterizes as prescriptivist in ideology but descriptivist in technique. The Index tracks trends and rates them on a scale of 1 to 5 — usages condemned to Stage 1 are “Rejected,” those awarded Stage-5 status are “Fully accepted.” (Garner’s “Key to the Language-Change Index” at the beginning of the volume is hilarious: he proposes an “olfaction analogy” [Stage 1 is "foul," Stage 5 is "neutral"] and an “etiquette analogy” [Stage 1 is "audible farting," Stage 5 is "refined"], among others.) An entry accompanied by an Index rating of 1 is usually straightforward in its disapproval; but, as the accompanying rating inches higher, Garner gets more and more wistful. He can see his position getting weaker, the forces of change overtaking a tried-and-true Standard English convention — but he knows he is powerless to stop it. If I was depressed to see “it’s misued for its” assigned an Index rating of Stage 3 (“Widespread but . . .”), I can’t imagine how Garner must feel about its endangered status. (Or should that be “its’s endangered status”?) The Index is his way of giving a pseudo-descriptivist snapshot of the language as it’s used right this instant while reserving the right, as the author of a style and usage guide, to give advice about what’s best.
He sets just the right tone throughout. You never feel like an idiot for turning to his book for advice; he’s not waiting for you with stuffy, grumpy consternation, frowning with spectacles perched on the end of his nose. He’s more like a friend who gives good-natured feedback and some great laughs. He views his readers as allies — and he’s right to, I think. After all, if you buy a usage guide, you probably really do care about good prose. He knows not to waste page after page preaching to the choir. But, above all, he knows that good prose is not merely a technical end in itself; that it’s part of a nexus of closely-related intellectual virtues such as clarity of thought, precise expression, civility and even-handedness. What fun it would be to sit down with Garner and take a red pen to the many polemical political columns in print these days! (I’m constantly surprised by the number of negative examples Garner draws from distinguished publications like The New York Times.)
His politics, by the way, are hard to discern. His article on sexism proposes gender-neutral language that doesn’t call attention to itself (he is, as most rational people are, anti-PC); his article on the word gay does express some sadness that the word’s original meaning is now null and void (see also Fry and Laurie’s hilarious sketch on this particular subject), but also recognizes that it’s a very good thing for homosexuals to have a word for themselves that’s neither clinical (like “homosexual”) nor pejorative (like, I don’t know, “poof”). There are no entries on “liberal” or “conservative” — nor, for instance, is there one on the phrase “enhanced interrogation techniques.” Of course, the fact that his real-world politics are indiscernible is another huge plus. In my experience, Americans are pretty closed-minded about such matters — a political liberal is unlikely to trust a political conservative’s opinion on just about anything, and vice versa. So Garner is wise to stay out of the fray. (There might be some vague truth to the notion that prescriptivism corresponds more to political conservatism and descriptivism to political liberalism, and I can see how it would have unquestionably been true maybe fifty years ago. But it’s also true that prescriptivism à la Garner is a brainy business, and conservatives today tend to be anti-intellectual. I can’t imagine, for instance, Palin approving of Garner — she’d certainly find him elitist. After all, her unintentional neologisms [most recently, "refudiate" -- which, outrageously, has been named word of the year by Oxford American Dictionary] would doubtlessly be condemned as “needless variants” by his standards. The refudiate kerfuffle was an instance of prominent conservative apologists taking the descriptivist side in a language debate. Go figure.)
I’ve strayed into politics because I often think of politics when I’m reading Garner. Specifically, I think about what a great mind and temperament he has for it. He’s diplomatic, cautious, sensitive, erudite but not judgmental, gentle but firm, principled but pragmatic. So I guess I’m not only saying that Garner’s Modern American Usage is an incredible book that everyone interested in English prose should keep around; I’m also saying that Bryan Garner is a new hero of mine. We need more like him.